Chris and Marie rode the elevator at the hospital, heading to visit Angela.
"I don’t know why I’m doing this," Chris nervously wondered aloud.
"Well, you obviously care about her, even if it’s not in an intimate way, so don’t over think it," Marie advised. "Hey, you wanna do a shot first?" Marie pulled a mini bottle of Tequila from her purse, tilting it back and forth in Chris' face.
"What the fuck? No I don’t wanna do a shot…where’d you get that?"
"From the cute bartender at the snob fest tonight," Marie smiled.
"Put that away God dammit!" Chris whispered as the elevator door opened.
They reached Angela’s room where Chris quietly tapped on the door. Angela turned her head from the television to the door.
"Hey, what are you doing?"
"We just came back from a business party. Anyway, I told you I’d check on you today. How ya’ doin?" Chris politely asked.
"I’m sore, but I think I’m worse after all the tests they've put me through," Angela sighed.
"When do they think you can leave?" Chris asked.
"Monday, they think."
"Well, that’s good," Chris smiled.
A tray of medical supplies near the sink suddenly crashed to the floor; Marie looked over to Angela and Chris with a grimace.
"Sorry," she whispered, shrugging her shoulders. "Do they leave salt in these rooms?" Marie sheepishly asked.
Marie had knocked a metal serving tray into the floor while trying to mix a tequila and orange juice shot in a small water cup.
"Angela, this is my friend Marie. Marie, this is Angela," Chris introduced, with an agitated expression.
"Nice to meet you," Marie smiled.
Marie made small talk. "So, I read that a lot of people die in hospitals from Staph infections. Pretty scary huh?" Angela politely stared at Marie. "Uh, yeah, I suppose that’s kinda scary; I’d never heard about that," Angela politely replied.
Chris stared solemnly at Marie, who didn’t dare look over at him as she held a slight smile on her face, maintaining complete eye contact with Angela.
"Yeah, you probably don’t have to worry about that though, I’m sure you’re Staph-less," Marie nervously laughed. "The main thing that I'd worry about is a report that I read where pervert nurse assistants fondle heavily medicated patients. You haven't noticed any abnormal medications have you?' Marie continued.
Angela directed her attention to Chris. "Hey, my room mate is out of town for a few days," she began. "If they’re letting me out on Monday, I hate to ask since it may be inappropriate but, do you think you might be able to give me a ride?"
"Why don’t you take your car?" Chris smirked.
"Ha ha ha," Angela sarcastically laughed.
"Of course...it’s not a problem; I can get away from work pretty much anytime I need," Chris’ assured as his cell phone rang. "Excuse me; I gotta take this." He stepped into the hall to take a call.
Chris returned a few minutes later to Angela and Marie, who were chatting like long lost friends. "Jesus," he thought, "how do women have so much shit to talk about??"
"Are you ready Marie?" Chris interrupted.
"Yep."
"OK Angela, I’ll check in with you here on your room phone on Monday, is that OK?" Chris confirmed.
"Oh, I’ll just call your cell," Angela replied.
"My cell?" Chris seemed puzzled.
"Yeah; Marie gave it to me."
Chris shot an immediate look to Marie who quietly stood with a forced smile, knowing that she was about to embark on a most unpleasant ride home tonight.
"Well, very good," Chris quickly dismissed. "Yeah, I suppose just give me a call on my cell," he offered as he shot a piercing look to Marie. "Get some rest."
"Thank you guys for stopping by."
"No problem Angela, have a good night," Chris said as he and Marie slowly made their way to the door.
The first half of the ride unfolded with complete silence. Finally, Marie spoke first.
"So, um, I had fun tonight." Her pleasantries were met with continued silence.
"I don’t suppose you’re too happy with me right now huh?" Marie timidly asked.
"Marie, I’m too tired and overwhelmed at this point to be anything; don’t worry about it," Chris sighed.
"So, are you excited about your date tomorrow?" She changed the topic.
"I’m nervous," Chris admitted.
"Don’t be nervous, just be yourself."
"Easy for you to say, I think she’s got feelings for the room mate," Chris wondered aloud.
"So what?? Screw that. You just be yourself; she either likes you or she doesn’t. You’re gonna have to accept that your second go around thing works both ways," Marie explained. " I mean, sure, you have a chance to not make stupid mistakes or be a douche bag."
"Maybe you’ll correct the person who you became but, in the process, as long as you’re doing everything that you feel is your very best and she decides to pass on it, then it’s clearly not meant to be. Have fun and remember that if she’s not interested, this time no one gets hurt," Marie continued.
Chris looked over to Marie for a few seconds before offering a rebuttal:
"Except for me," he solemnly corrected.
"Well then, it seems that you haven’t learned anything," she replied.
"What do you mean?" Chris eagerly pried.
"Sweetheart, I can’t answer that one for you." Marie volleyed, placing her hand on Chris' shoulder. "That’s one for you to figure out sweetie."
Chris fixed his eyes on the tail lights of the car ahead; his mind drifted to a darker memory.
"What? Pregnant? As in baby pregnant?"
"Yeah Chris; what other fucking pregnant is there??" Erin snapped.
"What should we do? You don’t wanna have a kid right now, do you?"
"No. Well...I don’t know Chris; look, stop pressuring me and try to be unselfish for a fucking second and think of me," Erin yelled.
"Erin, neither of us are in a position, financially or otherwise, to bring a child into the world."
"Yeah, it's too late now," Erin shot back.
Chris had hoped that Erin would abort the child; terminating a pregnancy that Erin felt could go terribly awry anyway, given her medical history with reproductive problems. Termination seemed to be a wise decision. Chris latched on to that information, using it to convince Erin that a child, right now, was a bad idea.
In time, Erin finally went for an abortion, alone. Chris was working and dismissed that he didn’t have time to be there but promised to stop in after his meetings.
This was the beginning of a rapid, downward spiral in an already strained relationship. And why wouldn’t it be? Chris often thought in retrospect.
Erin called and texted multiple times during Chris' meetings, begging for assurance. She was rightfully scared; the counselors were asking lots of personal questions for which Erin wasn't prepared.
They were simply doing their job by trying to dissuade a young woman from having an abortion. Or, at the very least, warning her of the gravity that her decision presented, especially since it seemed clear that there was no moral support from the father.
It felt humiliating to Erin. She would need unconditional support in the aftermath in order to cope with the ramifications of a monumental choice that she faced.
As she sat alone and frightened in a tiny, sterile, cold and lonely examination room, Erin sadly realized that this would soon be the site where a life was about to be taken before it could begin. If the man she loved was snapping at her right now and couldn’t be here for something like this, how could he be there for anything else?
Erin's heart ached. She'd never felt so empty and abandoned in her life. The worst thing, she thought, the man she loved very much had abandoned her through this ordeal. Erin began to cry.
"Dear God, what the fuck was wrong with me? How did I let her go through that alone?' Chris' mind returned to the present, blankly staring at the tail lights ahead.
He reasoned that If he felt this bad, Erin must hold even more resentment toward men with such haunting memories swimming in her head.
A unique and dark heartache that creeps from behind dungeon walls, locked securely in the back of a scorned woman's mind, rising to the forefront at untimely moments. It was an oppressive stack of bricks resting on her shoulders, Chris thought as he mentally beat himself to a pulp as he and Marie drove home.
"I don’t fucking deserve a chance," he quietly announced. "This is a bad idea Marie," he resolved.
"Hey…are you OK?" Marie asked with concern in her eyes.
"Yeah, just thinking," Chris grimly replied. "I’m a bad fucking man, I’m not gonna call Erin tomorrow. She’s better off without my sorry ass."
"Yeah, that would be a great idea Chris. Look," she continued, "you’re only a bad person if there’s never been any good in you. You are good, I’ve seen it, Erin has seen it, Angela has seen it; a lot of people have seen it. So what? You got lost and, from what you’ve told me, you fucked up some things very badly; you made mistakes Chris. Guess what honey? Erin made mistakes too Chris."
"Mistakes would be an understatement Marie."
"Well, you cant forgive yourself and be happy till you face these things, or you can just take the easy way out. You know what though? That would make you a hypocrite and all that advice you gave your boy, Thomas, means nothing."
Chris listened to Marie's reasoning.
"Honey, I have no doubt at all that you finally understand a great deal about what‘s important and that you understand what love is and how to appreciate it; you’ve learned how to show it better. I see it Chris, I really do," Marie gently lectured. "But, you gotta realize that your memories aren’t gonna go away and be healed overnight. Keep in mind, Erin doesn’t remember a past with you right now."
"Yeah, well I do," Chris interrupted, with a shameful tone of regret.
"Then, as you say, you’re a work in progress. You’re on the right path Chris."
"What if she never realizes how I feel or how much I loved her?" Chris worried.
"Do you know how much?" Marie returned the question.
"Yeah, I do."
"Then it’s there, waiting to be discovered."
"What if she doesn’t discover it?" Chris asked, feeling utterly defeated.
"Chris, do you have any idea how many people don’t discover the right thing, how many people don’t notice real love that’s hiding in plain sight…ever?"
"Well, that sucks for them," Chris selfishly shot back.
"Yeah, it does baby, but no one said that love wasn’t complicated; if it were easy then most of the greatest songs and literary works in history would have never been written Chris...even those shitty songs from The Counting Crows in their later career. Don't get me wrong, you’ve got your work cut out for you...and the Counting Crows are a lame band, but, don’t count this thing with Erin out. You should prepare yourself for whatever might happen though, good or bad. You can only control YOU."
A few minutes passed when Marie broke the deafening silence:
"Hey, I’m really sorry about giving Angela your cell number, I wasn’t thinking."
Chris detected the sincerity in Marie’s voice. The sound of someone who needed to be believed, a helpless tone from a person searching for forgiveness. He’d heard this sincerity many times from people in his past and he ignored it. He’d offered the same, only to have it ignored as well.
Chris turned to Marie and stared for a moment. Although he was less than thrilled with her about the cell phone incident, he brushed it off and smiled;
"It’s OK Marie, I’m not mad, I promise."
Marie turned away, staring deeply through the passenger side window. She smiled to herself…relieved.
copyright, Pontchartrain Press 2008
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